--Last resort--

This last week flew by!! I cannot beleive as of Sunday, it's March! One more month of school here and it seems as if I just started! Well, I did... a month ago! This week I finished a paper and this weekend am knocking out another. Beyond that, I have a group project and a paper to write over break in April and I'm finished! Half way there.

When I was running a couple, listening to my African-esque praise music, and enjoying the budding flowers popping up everywhere (YAYYYY!!!!) my mind wondered to a reflection of my time here. And here you have my string of thoughts.

...............

Life here is at a much slower pace. Part of that is being in college, but alot of it is just the culture. You have to walk b/c only 'well-off' people have cars. Therefore, the go-go-go, squeeze as much as you can into one day American mindset is not possible here, which has created a slower pace of life. Granted it's not as slow as a place such as Brazil, or an African country, but for a Western country, its certainly slower.

This slower pace of life has been a very scary thing for me after this last semester and current unknowns that are completely out of my control. A faster pace of life, filling my time w/ student teaching, K-life activities, friend get-togethers and homework would have been alot more comfortable b/c I thought I had mastered the art of 'survival' and juggling and avoidance last semester. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED the time I spent w/ the people this last semester and miss them dearly. However, there were many times I wasn't fully present. It was an "on-to-the-next-thing" mindset. There was so much to do plus heavy heavy stuff happening to people I cared about most and I tried my darnest to handle it on my own. And frankly, failed. But, I didn't have a giant breakdown (well, at times) and I did barely keep up with everything. A big price was paid though; I forgot who I was made to be and how I was wired to live. I forgot what it was like to not just barely keep up, but to live and be present and enjoy. I was so into just getting by, just dealing with the heavy stuff quickly, just getting through student teaching, that I didn't take time to hand it over to The Someone who really could handle it all and not only handle it, but also make good come from it!

And when I did have those weak moments, I lived with or near my best friends, was down the street from mentors like JJ & Laura and Nicky, and was a two-hour drive from home. This slower pace of life...alone... was a very scary thing. All the sudden, I had to face stuff. I had to feel the full effects of present lonliness and face the frightening reality that maybe I really am not in control... ouch. And I floundered for a few weeks. (My mom once gave a picture of putting a little kid in water... they kind of freak out for a little bit until they realize that their parents are right there holding them up.) Well, I tried to continue to do this thing by myself like was the general pattern of the last semester, but after about a week of that grew very tired of kicking and trying to stay afloat, that I just had to give up. Frankly, giving everything over to the Lord was my last resort.

I've had a couple other times in college like this. A few of you have walked through them with me, where I think I've got it all together, or know I don't and dig my heels in the ground in doubt of God and refusal to believe Him to be good, and man! He sawed through to me until I was hanging my the most ratty and most thin thread fiber there was, until I finally broke and fell into his arms as my last resort.

This idea of Him being our last resort seems kind of disgraceful or disrespectful. And SO is being that I am such a naive little girl and He is such a MASSIVE, loving, and in control Dad. But Wow. Grace has taken on a whole new light to me this semester. I was typing to my friend and realized what a huge deal this was... that He doesn't care if we first turn to Him or if He's our last resort. Granted, we have to struggle through the consequences of attempting independence, but He will take us where we are... even if the only reason we do is because it is the last thing we know to do. The whole what has become cliche, story of the prodigals son, all of the sudden became real to me. This Dad loved his kid more than anything and offered him what he knew was best. And the kid dug his heels in and rejected and ran and tried the whole independence thing. And when he failed, when Dad was his last resort, the only thing left to do, he went home. And his dad... man, I can only imagine. This Dad longed for his kid, he didn't care at all that he was his last resort. He RAN... BOOKED IT down the road to his son and probably knocked him over with the momentum of his embrace and gave him his best. The kid didn't have to do a thing... didn't have to explain himself or earn his way back. Just had to be there. Mom says "Sometimes faith is just not turning our back" Yeah, the kid had to deal w/ his past and his choices, but he got to do it w/ his Dad loving him through it and giving him his best in place of it.

Grace is one of those crystal windchimes that refract the light and the colors on the siding of the house. And it looks different each day. It's always pretty. It's the same thing, but comes across in such different lights. Lately, this refraction of grace says "I will be your last resort without hesitation. I just want you with me!" This amazement of him not caring if he's our last resort... him just longing for us. I think this amazes me so much b/c I HATE being people's last resort. I want to be the first person they run to, the first person they call to hang out, etc. But no, His character and security in who He is isn't at all dependent on when we choose him and if other things beat him out for a little bit... b/c He ALWAYS prevails and knows He will.

There will be many more times in my life where I'm sure I will be like a terrible-two and want to do things her own way, but wow how our Father is faithful. And let's us try, until we run to Him for help. No shame, no guilt needed, just our presence.

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And my music played "Faithful you are faithful. I have found nothing but good in your heart. Loving, you are loving, I am in love with the way that you are, Thankful, I am Thankful, I have been running away on my own and then you found me. Oh how you love me. I know you'll never leave, leave me alone." and my watch beeped and my run was over. Mmm, good stuff

Other little tidbits--

• Paris is NEXT WEEKEND! Woo-hoo!!!
• Just finished The Life You've Always Wanted and HIGHLY recommend it! Ortberg does an amazing job of asking the question, What do these vague spiritual things REALLY look like. I can't wait to read it again! Next on the docket, is Searching For God Knows What and Redeeming Love (again:)
• Kevin is coming in 11 days! Woo-hoo!
• Went to a Mardi Gras hang out a couple nights ago... no one celebrates so we went to a pub that was a restored boat! So neat, here are some fun pics with friends...

Note the yellow, green and purple! Don't let me fool you, I know nothing about Mardi Gras-- Ciera just said, "Wear yellow so we can be the colors of justice, power, and something else!" haha So, I obeyed :)

LOVE YOU ALL! Will post some spring-is-coming pictures next week! :)