i eat peas and shrimp now.

For some, this is mundane news. For me, it is a mark of change. Shrimp was the deign of my existence. My best friend Candace and I had one of the funniest nights to my memory over this deep aversion to the tiny little sea creature that the English have dubbed "prawns". My argument being: there are so many more conveniant animals to eat... why go to the trouble to fish out fish and eat them too? I know. I was weird. Correction: am weird.

I'm preparing to step back into Missouri life (there's only frozen shrimp in Missouri.) Only this has hit me today, it's not really "back into" a life. Compared to the last 3 1/2 months, much will be familiar. However, much has changed. I am not returning to 10 best friends or my small college town. I am not returning to K-life small group, co's, or leaders meetings. I am not returning to a laid back life style of writing papers every once in a while. After the last 2 weddings of dear friends, I realize it doesn't stop there: My best friend of 10 years is getting married and moving to California. College is over. Before this becomes a sap-fest, I will express that this is a heavy thing to swallow and get to my point.

The only consistent things in life are God and change.

Duh, you say. But I scratched my head at this thought; (actually looked at my split ends, but still. A cause for pause.) If you don't have the first one, I just wonder how you cope with the next.

I've had a lot of time on my hands so I've skimmed online mags and have heard this overarching theme for dealing with change: Self-empowering talk. And in a way, Christians believe this too... we call it "speaking truth" or "identity" talk. "Your not a sinner, you're a saint; you are struck down, but not destroyed!

And it kind of made me question a little:

If people are getting by with Oprah-esque talk, if people can "think" themselves out of the pit , some thoughts similar to my most recent post, what's the need for a savior?

Part of me is still in the midst of battling with this question; but there is another part of me skimmed through a memoriographic (I make up words sometimes) pile of Polaroids from the last four years. This pile had pictures of me on the ground in tears, pictures of me on a website to count every calorie I ate, sitting in the rain on the front steps of my dorm too exhausted by love to go inside, pictures of sitting on the coach, with my friends head in my lap, listening to horrid things in their life that haunts her, and pictures of Kevin and I in a park at a loss with the many struggles we've been through, questioning whether we are right together. And after skimming through a few of these Polaroids, I realized this:

I tried the self empowerment stuff to deal with change, both good and bad. I've done my own version of Oprah's "8 Steps to Conquer the Beast Within You", "6 Ways to a Regret Proof Life" and "Become an Independent Woman!" (By the way, all real articles on her site. Oprah can save us!) And there was a point in step 7 in my version of 'conquering my beast,' I just got tired, and had to ask, Isn't there something more? Does it end here? What happens if I get tired? What if I cannot even begin to come up with these words that are supposed to heal me? There has got to be something more.

Let love be genuine. Hate what is evil, cling to what is good... Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

There has GOT to be something more. Maybe we don't have to be self-empowered or think positive all the time. Maybe a Savior, someone who is delivering us, allows us to face the fact that things are bad when their bad and and fully experience the good, when they're good. Because we're at rest. Because it's not up to me.

At times in change, I think he says, "You just hold on, baby. That's all I'm askin' right now... ." And other changes he asks us to take some initiative in what He's given! And other changes that seem just too good, He says "Mm, I'm lovin' this. There's more where that came from." And there's a million other scenarios that a Savior works. Throughout change, formula and self-talk just don't do it sometimes. Nope, we need Someone can do it. Someone who will hold our hand while we're following like I hold Kevin's hand when he leads me through trails. A relationship with Someone that is just based on experiencing how He loves me, and trusting him to take care of these changes in life.

So, I go back to Missouri, with another fresh new beginning as I step out of the plane. Absolutely eager to be back home and a little sad to leave the previous era of life, but knowing that I don't have to have it together or empower myself through this next one; all I have to do is cooperate with the One who does have it together and will empower me.

Sara Groves: Painting Pictures of Egypt
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt/Leaving out what it lacked/ The future seems so hard /And I want to go back/ But the places that used to fit me/ Cannot hold the things I"ve learned/ And those roads closed off to me /While my back was turned /The past is so tangible I know it by heart /Familiar things are never easy to discard

R.I.P. Picky-eating. A new girl is comin' home!