Observations: The Proverbial Her

Upon sharing this phrase to a friend:

"i have no idea what that means."

"that's because I made it up."

"oh."

Definition--

Proverbial: A byword, a frequently used word or phrase.

Her: The 'other girl' in each female's head that we want to look like. or who we want to be. or how we want to be perceived.

My "proverbial her" in high school was a girl a couple years older. Liz. We had precalculus and upon watching her graceful, kind, cute-ness, it was final. I wanted to be Liz. So, I would watch which Limited clothes she wore and imitate. I would see how her body was shaped and work on mine at the gym. I would see how she interacted with people and change my phrases to match. I even tried to copy her handwriting. I know. Unfortunately, I'm serious.

This is a non-new phenomenon that I have been more carefully observing as of late... The typical 'proverbial her' school of thought runs a little something like this:

'oh, if i could only get her feminine/chic/classic/anthropology-esque style.' -or-

'i wish my thighs had that line on the side like hers' -or-

'her curly off-brownish non-frizzy hair is to die for' -or-

'if only people related to me like they do her' -or-

The atypical school of thought, "the proverbial he", which can often be misdiagnosed as "confidence" is reminiscent of situations like these:

'he just totally hit on me. ugh. i just hate that...' (flattered. you were really flattered.) -or-

'he gave me a little longer glance, wait for it... ah. yes. the double take'

Both epidemics, whether the typical "her" or the atypical "he", show disdain or at least a non-okay-ness with ourselves as we are. We have idealized another person or another quality, to be the standard of which we are or are not ok.

Are or are not confident.

Are or are not likeable.

Are or are not attractive.

...when in reality, the person who we have given the permission to speak 'truth' over us is plagued with the same epidemic... ever changing striving to gain the approval or to be just like ______________.

As I've observed and have began to dissect the "proverbial her/he" mindset both in myself and in my girls and in our culture, here is what I have recorded in my journal:

"The proverbial her. The her that is not who we are. The her that plagues us, constantly provoking the comparison game... that we always lose. Even if we win. We get tired of playing, yet only in theory, because the reality is that we aren't tired enough to quit."

And most of these observations, including those of myself, have been by people who claim their hope in Jesus, their identity in Him. Who supposedly believe in grace. In trust in God.

And yet that doesn't touch this area of our lives. We are still needing other, more immediate, more tangible methods of determining the standards of which we must meet. We don't give ourselves a little grace to not take on all areas of the perfect person. And we don't trust that God knew every little cell of our body and let it be placed exactly as is. Or trust that who He is in us is better than who someone else is.

Can these two seep together to be one school of thought, Jesus and our standards for ourselves? How can Jesus not be a religious, hokey version of confidence? How can we rectify the tangible, boundless, hope that Jesus longs to give us even in these areas? How does His Truth become our TRUTH and not our knowledge? How does His Truth give peace to our soul when we must get into a bathing suit? Does it stand? Is it real enough to become who I am?

My life often speaks a resounding no.

How I long for that to change. I'm asking Him about this...

Maybe you too?